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What is the Dark Secret in Your Life?

What is the Dark Secret in Your Life?

Hi. I am a 21 year old muslim girl from Pakistan. My parents arranged me to marry a 24 year old man when I was 19 years old. He is a monster. I have never told anyone this. On our wedding night he practically raped me. It was my first time having sex. I don’t know about him. It hurt so bad. I remember screaming so loud because of the pain and he slapped me so hard, I feel the pain whenever I think about that night.

He then suffocated my face to a pillow and pulled my hair. I remember when he was done, there was a lot of blood on the bed and I thought I was dying. I went into the corner sobbing and he threw pillows at me telling me to shutup or he would go again. He went to take a shower and when he came out he said he was sorry. He helped me up from the corner and ran a bath for me. When I was done, he changed the sheets and he held me close while we went to sleep. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to him squeezing my breast and hands in my pants.

It has been 3 years since that night. Sadly, It has gotten worse. I am currently 5 months pregnant and he practically rapes me every night and whenever he wants to in the day. I have tried speaking to him about his roughness, but he doesnt seem to care. He has forbidden me to attend school, see my friends, and show my face when his friends are around.

He has broken my wrist twice. He is nice to me when his parents are around. He donates a lot of money to a lot of charities every month and he prays everyday. He buys me expensive things. I am sure he isn’t cheating on me because we spend all day everyday together. He comforts me when I throw up. He buys a lot of baby stuff. He seems to be happy about the baby NOW.

Honestly, He is a good person but he has issues. I thought being pregnant would make him feel better. In front of people, he kisses and hugs me and he says the most sweetest things to me. At home he is a monster. Sometimes when I am asleep, I can feel him ejaculating on me or sometimes I feel him thrusting into me. One day we were driving to Ohio to see his brother, He stopped in the middle of nowhere and made me suck his dick outside and he ejaculated all over my face. He told me not to wipe it off till we got there.When we made it to his brothers home, I was SO embarrassed!

I will never forget when he found out I was pregnant. He accused me of sleeping with other men. His reason being that he has used condom for the last year. I tried to hide it till I found a good way to tell him but when he found out he took off my clothes and beat me with his belt. He bruised me so badly he knew he would be in trouble to he made me wear a abaya( dress). He then cut my hair to neck length. He has made me loose self confidence to the point where my head is always down. I don’t ever look anyone in the eyes. We are the only two home. I have never told anyone. I feel like its my parents fault. They practically sold me to a rapist. This is my biggest secret….. and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t live in Pakistan anymore. My parents do. I have no relatives in the US. If I call the police on him. Where will I go? Who will take care of me. I tried telling his mom but she made a big scene out of it and said I should be ashamed of myself for telling her that. I only attempted to tell her that he was the reason my wrist was broken, and she didnt want to hear it. It is difficult contacting my parents in Pakistan. I am their only child. I only agreed to the marriage because I didnt want to disappoint them. Leaving is harder than it sounds.

For those who are saying `Talk to him about it, Beyond Channels isn’t going to help` Just two weeks ago, I told him I cant breathe when he has sex with me. He said he likes to see me in pain. and he puts his hand over my mouth so he can hear my muffled screams instead of the actual. And he makes me look in his eyes because he wants to see the pain and the tears. Why did I com to Beyond Channels ? Last night was probably the worse night ever. I couldn’t breathe at all. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to tell someone. it was so hard for me to write this although I’m anonymous.

Thank you so much Everyone. I will get help. I will contact the help hotline when my husband isn’t home. Thank you all so much.

For those who are calling me a coward and a liar and many other things. Thank you! I don’t care what you think. This is my story. This is my life and It took a lot to write about it.